Called to Serve: My Story

Choosing to serve a mission has been a long road for me. I have never shared all of my thoughts about it at once, so I am going to do so in this post.

In October 2012, President Thomas S. Monson announced the missionary age change. Young women could now serve beginning at age 19 if they chose to do so.

I know many girls my age heard these words and knew that a mission was supposed to be the next step in their life.

I literally felt nothing. Nothing. I felt absolutely no different than I had felt ten minutes previous. I did realize that this would mean a lot of change in that many of my friends would be leaving much earlier than they had previously anticipated, but aside from that, I felt no affect on my personal life.

In the next few months I thought about a mission... and then laughed. Surely a mission wasn't for me. I couldn't see myself as a missionary, and it wasn't in my plan. Maybe after college if the time was right, but there was no way I was taking a break from school to serve. That would be ridiculous.

Fast-forward about a year and a half to March of 2014. At this point in my life, I had almost completed a year and a half of college at Brigham Young University in Provo, UT, I had a part-time job on-campus which I love... I was in a good place. After some thought and contemplation, I decided that a mission might be good for me--in a year! In this year, I could apply to the Business Management major at BYU and have enough time to prepare mentally and spiritually.

March 31, 2014. I was emailing a friend of mine who is currently serving a mission in Mexico, and I told him the news that I had been considering serving a mission in a year!! I was so excited with this news. His response left me dumbfounded: "A YEAR?!? That's soooo long from now! You should put in your papers like tomorrow!"

I laughed.

But then I sat there, and it hit me--what if I did. What if I did put in my papers now.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it didn't feel wrong. The Spirit was testifying to me so strongly that this gospel is true, I felt as if my heart was going to burst out of my chest. According to my journal I "felt this burning desire to share the gospel with the entire world. I've only felt that a couple times in my life."

I met with my YSA Bishop exactly three days later (it was the earliest appointment I could get). That Saturday (4/5/2014) I received access to my mission papers. I completed all of the requirements, then met with my Stake President from home on April 27. And my call was assigned that week, to be expected May 7-8. 

May I just say...knowing that where you're going to be spending a year and a half of your life is on a paper somewhere in the mail system and not being able to see it is NERVE-WRACKING? So not a fair feeling.
It did not arrive on Wednesday May 7th, to my dismay. I went home and cried for a few minutes, I believe. But there was a tiny, tiny chance it could arrive on Thursday. I told my parents to just send me a picture of the envelope if it arrived on Thursday.
I received this at work on Thursday:

I thought very seriously about getting on the train that hour to rush home and open it... but Dad helped me decide that I could wait another day. In this day, I decided I would open it with my parents, siblings and grandparents at my home.
I think I hardly slept Thursday night.

Friday morning, I got out of bed and decided:
I was going to open my mission call by myself.
This was a very personal decision for me... long story short, I figured that as the decision to serve a mission was between me and the Lord, I wanted two people with me at my mission call opening: myself and the Lord.

As soon as I got home, I grabbed the envelope, Mom's keys and my journal.
I drove up to Holbrook Canyon, a beautiful canyon that overlooks the Bountiful temple in my hometown, Bountiful, UT.
There is a bench at the top looking directly over the temple. I sat there with my call in my hands for maybe twelve minutes, just looking at it. My hands were shaking.

I remember that I kept stalling... I opened my Book of Mormon and tried to read some verses but I couldn't focus. I finally took my cheap plastic pen and ripped open the top. Pulled the call out without looking, flipped it behind the envelope so I could see one line at a time, and decided to get it over with.

My voice shaking, I read aloud:

Dear Sister Hill,

You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
You are assigned to labor in the Brazil Brasília Mission. It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 18 months.

You should report to the Brazil Missionary Training Center on Wednesday, September 10, 2014. You will prepare to preach the gospel in the Portuguese language.

Let's just say, I haven't cried that hard in a really, really long time.
Tears were happiness, pure joy. Gratitude that Heavenly Father trusts me enough to call me to this great work.

After I spent some time on that peak by myself with the Lord, I hiked back down and drove home to read it aloud to my parents. I then drove to my grandma's house and read it to her, as she's been my biggest cheerleader my entire life.

Never in my entire life did I think I would have a mission call in my hands. Trust me, this was as much a surprise to me as it was to many of you.

I know that many people were unhappy that I did not make it a very public announcement that I was submitting my papers and deciding to serve, but I hope these people can understand that this was a very personal decision for me and I had to really make sure that this is what I want in my life.

And I know it is indeed what I want.

I wrote my acceptance letter to the brethren about a week after I opened my call:

I will close with my simple but pure testimony.

I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is real and it is true. I know that Jesus Christ suffered in the Garden so that you, me and the entire world could repent and return to God someday. I know that the Lord has given us guidelines and commandments to make us happy, not to make us sad or frustrated. I know that the Lord has a purpose in everything, even if we cannot see it with our natural eyes. I know that the Book of Mormon is correct and full of truth and light; if we read it, we can gain an understanding of the eternities.

I know that with the Lord, anything and everything is possible.

I can't wait to bring my brothers in sisters in Brazil to a knowledge of their Savior and Redeemer.

the 6-8 page essay

Last night I got home from a Cat Poncho meeting at around 11:30pm.

As soon as I got home I was dreading what would come next.

At 10:46am I was to review my 6-8 page Issues paper with my writing teacher so he could give me tips and instruct me on how to improve my paper.

I wanted to try and jump into it as quickly as I could, try and finish it as soon as possible. But I remembered that I had not yet read my scriptures for the day.

I know--mainly from my own experience--that if I read my scriptures before diving into my own homework, my homework is always easier and makes more sense to me.

So I did.

I spent about 20 minutes reading my scriptures and focusing on the principles and applications found in them. I wrote in my journal my thoughts and feelings. Some good scripture studying was done.

But my head kept falling over, I kept drifting off to sleep.

I didn't know how I was supposed to write five more pages of a paper I had barely researched without falling asleep. Hopefully I would even understand what I was reading and writing.

I remember writing in my journal: "Heavenly Father, PLEASE help me not to fall asleep so that I can finish this paper."

I closed my scriptures, and got to work.

It was only about an hour and a half later when I realized: thoughts had come to my mind that I could never have formulated myself.

I understood what the articles were saying better than I had before.

Words came easily to my mind, and sentences flowed really well.

Up until this point I had just taken credit for the wonderful job I was doing.

But I realized as soon as I was about halfway through the paper that Heavenly Father was blessing me for reading my scriptures before I did my homework.

I reviewed my paper with my teacher this morning, and he really liked it! 

I know that Heavenly Father knows us, and He knows what we need help with. He will bless us if we do His homework before I own, and I have testimony of this.

the lost (again) ring

So I have this ring...

It's really special to me. I think I wrote a blog post about it before and how I found it in a bag I bought from Plato's closet.
As you can see in the picture, it has the tree of life on it.
I think it's beautiful.

I lost it on campus yesterday. I knew where--the bathroom on the 3rd floor of the Wilkinson center. Because I took it off to wash my hands and then forgot to put it back on. Happens to me about four times a week, normally in my apartment.

I was so sure somebody had taken it to the Lost & Found. But there's always that little hint of a doubt that creeps in that makes you wonder "What if it isn't?"
I couldn't make it to the Lost & Found the day that I lost it. And I felt so sick about the fact that it wasn't on my finger as it always is.

I prayed for Heavenly Father to give me peace, that I could forget about the fact that it was not in its proper place.
He did.

I had so much peace about it, that I about completely forgot about it.

Today (Tuesday), I was walking past the Lost & Found and remembered that my ring might be there.
I walked in and asked for it: sure enough, there it was with a piece of a tape labeled "3--10".

I know it's not a big deal. It is just a ring.
But to me, it's a big deal.
And the Lord knows that.

He reminds me daily--and this was just a single experience--that He loves me, He knows me, and he cares about my life! And the things that are important to me? They are important to Him too.

I'm so grateful for a Heavenly Father that knows me and reminds me of it.

don't let go

Christ will never give up on us.

Even if we leave Him, even if we force ourselves to completely forget Him and shut Him out of our lives... He still loves us just the same.
His love for us is eternal.
Even when ours is not.

Even when we turn our back on Him,
He is still there to pick us up when we fall.
Even if we give ourselves the credit for succeeding.
 
Even when we betray Him,
He will still wipe away our tears.
Even when we tell ourselves how strong we are and that we can do it on our own.

He will sit with us.
He will listen to us.
He will hold us.
He will carry us.
We can't let go, we can't.
He cannot be a convenience or a nicety in our lives.
He must be our everything.
We must be willing to give Him our all. Even if that means the suffering and the pain and the sickness and the affliction, because He knows how that is.
He's the only One who can and will ever know exactly how you feel at any given point in time.

Hold onto Him.
Don't let Him go, it's not worth it.
I promise you will be so much happier if you just keep Him close to you.
The happiest I've ever been is when I'm the closest to my Heavenly Father and my Savior.

I love my Savior.
I love my God.
And I love this gospel.
I know I'm not perfect, I won't be for a very long time.
But I have a perfect knowledge that God is real, and that His Son Jesus Christ came to this earth to suffer and die for me.

Thank goodness I have this gospel in my life. <3

the ring and the lanyard

About a week ago I was getting some chapstick out of my purse; it wouldn't come out and I had to reach my finger way down into the pocket to reach it.
I felt something metal at the bottom of the pocket.

I pulled out a silver ring with what looked like some Egyptian hieroglyphs on it.
I was speechless that this ring had been in my purse for weeks--months, even--and I had never found it before.
As I looked at it more closely, I realized that these were not Egyptian hieroglyphs at all, but the tree of life, the iron rod, and Lehi's family coming to it.
I had been having a very, very hard week, and I felt that this was God's way of telling me that He still loved me and that He knew I could endure to the end.

A few days after I found it and wore it every day, I lost it. I must have been in a bathroom on campus, took it off to wash my hands, and forgotten about it.
I was heartbroken.
I felt like this ring was mine, God had given it to me because I needed it...
but if somebody else needed it more than I did, I guess I could give it up.
I tried my hardest to forget about it.

Flashforward about 4 days to today, November 21.
I finished my shift at work and started digging in my backpack looking for my keys so I could come back to the office if I needed to--they weren't there.
I emptied my entire backpack.
Nothing.
I looked in the office drawers, in the back room, in the bathroom around the corner from where I worked--
Nothing.
I officially started freaking out inside.
This lanyard had my school ID card, my debit card, my building key, and my room key.
If somebody had gotten a hold of my debit card, that would be very, very bad.

I walked to the bottom of the Wilk, scared of what I knew would happen.
There was no way that my keys would be there, there's no way.
They're probably still in the Clyde building where my Physics class is, and that classroom is definitely locked this late at night.
But maybe, just maybe...

I got to the Lost and Found, where somebody had taken my journal a few weeks ago.
I asked the girl if somebody had turned in keys in the past few hours.
She pulled out the bin where all of the keys and keys on lanyards were turned in.
Keys on keyrings, keys on lanyards, keys forever alone...
but none of them were mine.
I said they weren't there, so terrified of where they could be that I didn't know about. But I might as well ask about the ring while I'm here.

I described the ring to her and told her I had lost it only days earlier.
She went to the back and came back with a ring that fit my description perfectly--except it wasn't my ring. This ring was made of a different metal, it was lighter. But it did have the exact same picture on it.
She said she might have seen a different ring like this one.
She went to the back and came back with another ring--my ring!
I was so happy I could have hugged the girl.
As I was filling out the sheet with my name and the date, I had the thought to mention to her that my keys also had my ID card and credit card on them...maybe it would make a difference?

I told her, and a switch flipped.
She said somebody had brought some in. She asked for my name, and went to the back--
and came out with my lanyard. Keys, debit card, ID and all.
There have not been many moments in my life where I felt so loved, so looked out for.
In that moment I knew without a doubt in my mind that God knows me.
God loves me.
God will take care of me.

He knows what I need, He knows it so much better than I think I do.
When I tell Him what I think I need, no, no I don't know.
He knows. He knows what I need, He knows who I am supposed to associate with, He knows what needs to happen to me.
Why wouldn't I want to put my trust in Him?
Why wouldn't I want to obey Him to the letter?

He will bless me when I do what's right, I know that without a doubt in my mind.
I am so grateful that He gave me back what I lost.
I don't know why He decided I was worthy of this ring, and it seems so stupid...
but every time I look at it, it reminds me that I can endure to the end. And it reminds me that the only way to get to the tree of life is by holding onto the iron rod always.

I love my Heavenly Father. Thank goodness He is there for me.
Because if He wasn't, I don't know where I would be. <3

my testimony

A lot of stuff has happened in the past couple weeks that are too personal to share, but I really want to share my testimony.
------------------------------------------------

I have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I have been born into this Church, but that does not make me love this Church any less than somebody who is a new member.
Yes, my parents have raised me underneath the principles of the Church;
but I have had to choose to live by these principles.
I have been given the agency to choose good over evil, and I am so grateful for that agency.

Now that I am away at college I have a greater appreciation for everything that my parents have taught me these past 18 years.
And there have been so many things I have had to learn on my own, but I'm grateful that I had to.
Because it has strengthened my testimony of Jesus Christ.

I know that Jesus Christ is the literal Son of our Heavenly Father.
I know that the Atonement is real. I have seen it in my life. I have committed sins that you could never, ever imagine--but through the Atonement I have been healed.
I have a testimony of forgiveness, especially the forgiveness of God.
He will forgive us.
And knowing that He forgives you is probably the best feeling in the world.

I know that the temple is a sacred place.
And one of the most amazing feelings to me is walking out of a temple recommend interview from a member of my Bishopric with a brand new temple recommend in my hand, knowing that I am worthy to enter the house of the Lord--I am worthy to be in the presence of my Heavenly Father and His servants.
What an incredible knowledge!

I know that living prophets are real. They speak to our generation through the Holy Spirit of the Lord.
I know that President Thomas S. Monson is a true, real prophet. I know that He has the keys to speak to God, and I know that he has had experiences that we will never know about.
I know that the apostles are inspired of the Lord and that what they tell us is revelation.

I know that personal revelation is real.
I know that the Spirit will speak to us through the scriptures. I have seen it in my life and I have seen how it has blessed me.

I know that the law of tithing is a perfect law.
I know that as I abide by it I will be blessed. I have seen this promise manifested in my life time after time.

I know that God's commandments are not to hold us back or keep us from having a good time--
they are to protect us.
He gives us the commandments to set us free.
And people might tell us that we are being held back, but in the end we will be the ones without shackles around our ankles and chains around our wrists.
We will be free.

I know that this world did not happen by accident.
The perfect amount of air on earth, the distance away from the sun, the revolutions of the moon--it couldn't have all been an accident.
There is no way that this could have been a coincidence, God knew exactly what He was doing when He created this universe as well as when He created me.
The hands that created the universe are the same hands that created our bodies.
That is amazing to me.

I know that there are two reasons why I am here on this earth today.
1) to repent
2) to serve God

And any blessings that God gives us besides this are to help us get through the trials of this life.

I know that my Heavenly Father loves me.
He loves me enough that He sent his Only Begotten Son down to this horrible earth to die for me.
I know that my Savior loves me, because He was willing to sacrifice His life and His perfection so that I could live with my Father in Heaven again.
I know that my Heavenly Mother loves me. I do not remember her very well, but I know that she is up there. I know with my entire soul that she exists.

I know that families can and will be together forever if we do what the Lord asks of us.
I am so grateful that my family has been sealed in the temple for time and all eternity.
Maybe I don't get along with my family all of the time, but at the end of the day I truly do love them and want to be with them forever.

I know that the Plan of Salvation is real.
I know that our time on earth is so small compared to the rest of our lives.
It is so small, so miniscule--we just have to prove ourselves here in order for us to be saved in the next life.

I know that as I live the commandments that the Lord has given to me, He will be so proud of me and He will be my advocate. And at the end of the day, all I want is for my Heavenly Father to be proud of me.
I want Him to be proud of me when I return to Him someday.

Whenever I do something wrong, I can feel that He is disappointed in me.
And it makes me sad.
That is why I want to do everything in my power to make Him so happy.

I love this gospel.
I love this Church.
Not only am I willing to die for this gospel,
but I love it so much that I am willing to live for it.
Because that is what God has asked of me.

a prayer of the heart (the lost journal)

Today was busier than normal.

I attended class in the morning, got breakfast, went to the Marriott Center for the Homecoming kickoff, took a nap in the grass outside the Clyde Building, went to class, and finally went to work.

My coworker Aaron and I were laughing about something, and it reminded me about a picture of this baby donkey I had in my journal.

I reached into my backpack for my journal to show him this picture...
My journal was not there.

I pulled out every single thing out of my backpack.
Nope. Not anywhere.

My mind started to flash back to where I had been today...
When I realized that my journal, my book where I keep my private thoughts and feelings, my past, and most importantly my notes from General Conference, could be lost at the Marriott Center, that's when I officially started freaking out.

It's a good thing I was off the clock, because I gathered my stuff up and left.
I walked to the Wilkinson Center, where I was positive I had left it in the bathroom on my way to the kickoff.
It wasn't there.
I could feel the tears welling up in the back of my eyes...

My next thought was to go to the Clyde Building, where I had changed into a work skirt after class.
But the 'Lost and Found' is right downstairs, I thought to myself.
Might as well go check it out, even though there is no possible way on this earth that it could ever be there...

I shakily walked downstairs and to the Lost and Found.
When I walked in, some ladies were telling a girl that she should come check every day because some things take a few days to get to the Lost and Found.
Thanks. That makes me feel a ton better. (not)

When I told her I lost something... "a green journal with owls on the front?"...
The girl said, "Okay, I'll go look."
The girl next to her said, "Oh hey, somebody just brought that in!"

I felt my heart just drop. I was so grateful I started crying in the Lost and Found.
I had to go into a bathroom stall in the bottom of the Wilk and just get on my knees and cry to my Heavenly Father out of gratitude for a couple of minutes.

I didn't even have to get on my knees to begin with to cry out to my Heavenly Father.
He just helped me anyway.

I just had to open my journal and read some of the things on the pages, I couldn't believe that He had actually returned it to me...

My eyes fell upon a quote that Elder Holland shared from his talk in Conference this past weekend.

President Monson shared with the sisters in the General Relief Society meeting:

"God's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it].
It is simply always there."

I am probably the last person who should deserve God's love. I am so imperfect, sometimes I feel like I can't do anything right. I mess up every single day of my life, I know that I am not perfect right now.

But He still loves me despite that.
And He showed me that today through this loving, tender mercy.

I'm so grateful for the power of prayer. <3